One fine day someone named Kevin finally smoked weed, but unbeknownst to his MP3 player, the world was conspiring against him!

It all began when a mobster tore open his loving heart. Kevin truly loved the sound of pain, especially when it sounded like this: “Squeak, squeak, squeak, wiggly, squeak, meow.” But that’s another story I want to tell you another drunken day.

Anyway, Kevin sat down next to a fat gnome. The gnome was rather sexy, or ugly when sober. But thankfully, the Kevin was drunk so he did the most despicable thing to himself. He became anorexic. This was incredibly the best thing…wait, the worst…no, the best…I mean worst…I am drunk. Kevin threw up a complete kitten onto Dave’s back and the kitten started meowing and puked up vomit. In this vomit the kitty flourished and rejoiced over its bright colors and wonderful smell. That’s when it decided to kill the sneaky ninja, also known as DanDan the PizzaMan.

This man was DanDan the PizzaMan, as you know. But he didn’t like being called DanDan the PizzaMan because he was not a pizzaman, but a piece of smelly crap started to dance on his face then pooped on a pair of pears he was planning on eating.

“Curse you poop! Why do I never get to bask in your buttery warmth and learn the meaning of utter hatred!?” said the DanDan. “Whhhhhhy?!” he screamed.

Then suddenly a flying jackalope kicked open the wound of Kevin’s leg. Now he began to weep tears of mustard that burned his little friend named Timmy-Joe-Frank, who had a bum’s leg so when he jumped, it fell and he crashed explosively onto Kevin.

Kevin screamed, “What time is it?” To which Timmy-Joe-Frank replied, “Time to take out the big guns.” And with that he dug an extremely shallow grave.

Timmy-Joe-Frank was pleased with his fine job. So pleased that he bough himself a red SUV which immediately flipped off Kevin. The strange thing was, Kevin didn’t die; he was just a zombie. But meanwhile, DanDan the PizzaMan ate zombies. To him, zombies tasted like pizza or broccoli, whatever.

Timmy-Joe-Frank tried everything ‘cause he’s freakay! DanDan picked up a zombie pizza with Kevin toppings and put it in his mouth. He gagged and gagged and gagged until finally he saw his intestines.

Chapter Two

Timmy-Joe-Frank’s Misadventure in Hell

The next morning, Timmy-Joe-Frank died. He had a slight problem with living near the Kevin so he went and severed his own head. It didn’t hurt, but it made him really queasy. So he looked for a tourniquet so he could trade it for Pepto Bismal–mmm, Pepto Bismal. Then the Devil, who was dressed in a pink flower-patterned dress similar to something Dan would wear, took him down to his trailer in Hell for a special “get-together.”

The Devil offered female virgins and pretty dresses in Kevin’s back pocket. Timmy-Joe-Frank asked what the Devil wanted, to which the Devil responded, “I want you, Dan…err…Timmy-Joe-Frank, to kill Kevin!!!!!!

The ice cream melted then Timmy-Joe-Frank got mad. He refused the offer. The Devil laughed out loud then he wept. It was amusing. “I’m so lonely,” the Devil moped. “Please stay and sing with me.”

Suddenly, music started and they danced wildly until Kevin died of anorexia. Timmy-Joe-Frank laughed at Kevin’s plight, but something was wrong…something was amiss…someone farted and it disturbed the body of Kevin. The body twitched and suddenly it grew twice in size and color, eventually reaching the boundaries of time for a moment.

And then Kevin ran away from his feelings of hatred, because he knows hatred leads to a very large pit of cancerous, fluffy pink Clefairies.

The Clefairies, however, were attracted to his funny-looking spinal cord. They pranced upon it.

Peter, meanwhile, glowed with coolness, as always. His awesome power revived and he returned the Clefairies to their natural environment and peace returned to Kevin’s dead army of darkness. Kevin was now happy, having been wrought upon the fire inside him.

This story is the best ever! Although, it doesn’t quite compare to Kill Bill because this story doesn’t have quite enough Bills and killing.

Chapter Three

The Revenge of Timmy-Joe-Frank(in wide-screen theatrical type viewing, sorta)

One sunny day the sun went to visit Satan. Darkness consumed Earth, in accordance with the ancient rites of Monty Python. The darkness soon devoured the souls of Kevin and he died again. But this time, Timmy-Joe Frank was there and the two of them danced a lovely dance to fend off the army of on-lookers surrounding them.

One of them tripped and a bizarre noise was heard throughout the gawking crowd. It went something like a rabid jackalope howling at a little kid.

Timmy-Joe-Frank then decided to get his multi-barreled epsilon class fortress airborne. Now, to do that he would need the strength of muy bien and Kevin’s friendship. It would be a revenge to remember!

Suddenly, a large purple dinosaur engaged the great fortress of Ultimate Evil! That was when poop rained down from the stench-filled super cannon of colossal proportions +2. There was much anticipation of this raining down of smelly poo, so Kevin had prepared a funnel to channel the flow directly into his new MP3 player, for unknown reasons.

Now his music sounded like crap. Wait, that’s normal. Timmy-Joe-Frank laughed heartily.

Someone then said, “Got Vegan?” Strangely, everyone puked up small bits of Vegans and stuff. “Stuff” being defined as red plastic and muy bien.

Timmy-Joe-Frank and Kevin frolicked and skipped away from the carcasses of fallen trees onto a large body of a giant. The giant chuckled. He was chuckling so that he could bounce Kevin and kill him in a fit of loving kindness.

Kevin, however, did not forget his MP3-player so he jammed and jammed until the MP3 player could jam no more.

The result of this gratuitous display of jammage was three odd reptilian figures jumping and dancing to distract the giant from Kevin and exercise at the free YMCA they were members of.

Anyway, the Giant was sufficiently distracted, in fact, he was rather dazed and confused. Then Kevin began his awful, horrific music. The lyrics were, “Team Go Squad, go, squad team! Go go goooo!”

The giant decided to die in a horrible fashion, exploding blood everywhere. It was hilarious.

Anyway, Kevin got angry because his music was unliked. Dead Giant laughed, “You fool, nobody can kill me, and no one means you!” Slowly, he regenerated himself. The Giant challenged Timmy-Joe-Frank to Mortal-Kombat.

“Mortal-Kombat!!!,” yelled Kevin. Kevin chose Scorpion, as always. Timmy-Joe-Frank, on the other hand, chose Sub-zero. He’s ice cool.

“Fight!!!,” yelled Kevin, but before anything could die, Giant wandered off alone for a quick cup of coffee. After this refreshment, the fight began.

First Scorpion winked in Morse Code. The message was: “Get over here!” Scorpion’s tongue lashed out ecstatically. He pulled Sub-zero towards a hole in the pixilated ground of Outworld. Sub-zero upper-cutted Scorpion’s tongue, just as Giant dove underground like a moist rag caught in an instantaneous storm. Scorpion then decided to cry like a Kevin would. Sub-zero froze his tears, which was cool because it created ice and stuff. Yeah, that’s cool. “Finish him!” yelled the Giant. Scorpion turned into a scorpion (har har) and started thinking about women and began to look at Kevin.

A glazed look of contempt and anxiousness covered his hideous face. Sub-zero then died. Kevin suddenly realized that he was hungry. The giant looked for some bean but only found a mysterious bucket filled with mysterious goo and mysterious poo. He thought, “Mmm, this is just what Kevin would thirst. Perhaps he would take it to him. His mouth waters. Yes, it does.”

Just then, Kevin ate his foot. His foot began to burrow in his mouth. His body started to dance. “Do the Kevin, wickey wickey wow, it’s the ke-e-e-e-evin, yeah uh yeah.”

Then something amazing and frightening happened: Kevin’s pants disappeared. Everyone’s eyeballs killed themselves and spat out blood. “Warez my pants?” Kevin asked smoothly. Despite his effort to avert gazes, it was inevitable. The Giant glanced into the direction of Kevin. Kevin started getting angry, which was humorous, but also sad.

Chapter Four

Anubis and Timmy-Joe-Frank

The first day of monkey kung-fu training went like this: So there was this one monkey, right? So he is all like, “No way man!” And then this giant monster thing was all like, “ Chill out dude.” Then some guy with a handful of swordchucks said, “Silence! You must learn to control your offensive mouth. Here: take these. They should do ‘The Kevin’.” So they did and all was good. Everyone lived happily, except for Kevin, because, you know, a Kevin’s work is like millions Larry Trouts that fart and stuff.

Anyway, Timmy-Joe-Frank started looking for Anubis, a stupid god that doesn’t know the meaning of cool. Timmy-Joe-Frank wanted a cool deity so he decided to search for something to make Anubis less gay and more cool.

First, he took his pants off, which always helps, and then he consulted his guidebook, “A Guide to Making Deities Much Cooler”, for advice. Unfortunately for Timmy-Joe-Frank, he couldn’t read. And so our unguided hero cried and cried and got dehydrated and then learned how to see the eternal path of black flame assassin.

In order to take advantage of his natural born ability to see uncool deities, Timmy-Joe-Frank pulled up his trusty sidekick, Jimmy-Moe-Stank. “I need your help, Jimmy-Moe-Stank. It makes me feel all warm inside when you do that thing where you murder everything. You know, genocide.”

“Right, let’s do this,” Jimmy-Moe-Stank slyly implied. Of course, Kevin wanted to sound intelligent, but failed miserably. Timmy-Joe-Frank and Jimmy-Moe-Stank laughed. Kevin frowned. Consequentially, his face became stuck like that. This caused even more comical relief, which eventually escalated to full-on nuclear warfare. Many died; many laughed. Few mutated into hideous jelly-filled donuts that spewed various flavors such as beans, spaghetti, and raspberry. Kevin ate them, a hardly surprising act considering the unimaginable size of Kevin’s appetite and/or will to eat.

Anyhow, Timmy-Joe-Frank decided to buy some freshly picked fruits and prepare a feast to celebrate the coming of the one known to possess the forbidden fruit of a forgotten land and of a long lost race. He did so. However, at one fruit there was a mutant robot that mistakenly activated its optical sensors which in turn fed Kevin’s image of fruit into its logic circuit-board and cried out, “Me gusta lemonada,” to which Kevin fainted from lack of lemonada y grey matter. Anubis, meanwhile, stood uncooly in the corner as Kevin silently faded into nothingness.

Then something spectacular and quite unexpected occurred: three triangular birds flew down from their pentagonal portals in the most peculiar fashion, creating much confusion. Kevin, meanwhile, started a fire in his pants, surprisingly containing it in a bag of water he found in his ear. The birds then formed a “V” and flew south, even though south was gone for a vacation to the North Pole.

Anubis looked dazed.

“No! That’s not a banana in the pickle jar. What are you, retarded?” yelled someone.
Meanwhile, Kevin still had a fire in his pants even though he clearly had already progressed the story. So the Devil decided to make a sandwich of coolness at Timmy-Joe-Frank’s House of Various Rooms of Living.

The sandwich was given to Anubis in exchange for Jimmy-Moe-Stank’s delicious life. Anubis smiled and finally became cool, thanks to the insane amount of coolness packed into the sammich.

Timmy-Joe-Frank half-heartedly shrugged as Jimmy-Moe-Stank was dragged into the bowels of hell. The Devil smiled as he consumed the sandwich. Anubis yelled, “W00t! Behold my awesome 1337 skillz! I r0xx0r now!”

And with that, Timmy-Joe-Frank’s quest was somehow complete, despite Jimmy-Moe-Stank’s unfortunate death.

Chapter Five

Nuclear Pasts and Radioactive Futures: Inside Look at Today’s Mutant Population

The first known mutant was born in the same place as Jimmy-Moe-Stank, which was where Kevin was at the moment, but he didn’t realize until it was too late. The mutant begat a huge cat by the name of Big Mac the Ugly Fork. The cat quickly degenerated into a blubbering wreck consumed by its own pity for itself. Soon a massive super nova decapitated the past tense of “ran,” which in turn created the new verb “run.” This strange event sparked some controversy within the neighborhood of Your Friendly, Local Mutant District. They were losing limbs over zombies losing limbs. Mutants and zombies still don’t get eaten as often as food does, surprisingly enough. Likewise, bears and goats drink the blood of vampire children. This helps them grow strong and smart, as all things usually do.

So this one mutant went all crazy and started a revolution, which in turn created a new world, Ivalice. This was strange stuff. So strange, in fact, that even the most seasoned veteran couldn’t all but muster a little courage, courage needed to survive this epic battle between your face and my fist. That is indeed strange.

Where were we? Oh, yeah. The mutant army’s objective was to destroy all non-dead and inorganic vegetables. To the human’s dismay, the mutants didn’t leave a single penny in return, but rather they left little tiny dimes, which are better than pennies. Nickels, on the other hand, are less better than dimes, but more good than pennies.

So the mutants eventually succeeded in whatever task they set out to do in the first place, which was, of course, umm…I forget. But, damnit, they stink bad when confronted by people who like peanut butter and tofu on organic beans made synthetically. And then something rather mundane occurred, someone went to go fetch some fecal matter for Kevin.

The Devil, who appeared yet again, said, “For what purpose do I serve? I have a poopie stuck in my bottom. Will you be a dear and get it out with your nose, please? I seem to have eaten something rather squishy and it has been giving me a lot of problems lately, such as this thing growing out of my thing. I don’t know how it got like that, but one thing I do know is that old marshmallows never die. They just go to the legendary Marshmallow Hall of Infinite Cryogenic Tubes. Back in Hell, we have more mutants than we do non-mutants because mutants are t3h sh!tzor. Normal people suck as much as rotten cheese. Yuck!”

Kevin blinked violently. The Devil felt that blinking was a waste of his time so he smote Kevin, smoted him good! And since they both enjoyed rugby so much, they decided to play a game before Kevin’s inevitable and much welcomed departure from this plane.

“Weeeeee. Kevin’s gone. I can’t believe it,” said Kevin. “Wait a minute, if Kevin’s gone then who is me?” Kevin wondered. Oddly enough, Kevin, who had previously been somewhat queer, reenacted the sequence of events and discovered that he was, in fact, Kevin and that the Devil was also Kevin. That’s downright ludacris! Kevin, the Devil, realized that Kevin, Kevin, was some kind of thing that replicated itself similar to the replication of Agent Smith. Kevin, the Devil, killed himself before Kevin, the Kevin, could infect him with many unspeakable traits that Kevins are afflicted with. So he died and died and puked death and died until he was cured.

He said, “WTF?”

Kevin cursed the day that he said, “I like pink.” The Devil laughed at Kevin’s preferences in pixelation and systematic desensitization. Soon after, the Devil flew out the window with his delicate fairy wings. Strangely enough, Kevin sprouted wings too, as they both frolicked through a field full of dying babies and chocolate fetuses.

Despairingly, Kevin farted in hopes that the horrible stench would somehow miraculously cause the world to say, “Hey! What the hell is that funky smell?”

It did, and so Kevin replied, “It’s a wake-up call for all the hate and violence in the world today.”

Suddenly a bright flash of pie startled Kevin. He panicked and started flinging many poopy socks at himself. The Devil looked at him and wondered how he sleeps at night while constantly stinking. Then the world collapsed upon itself and mutated. It mutated into the end.

Chapter of Ultimate Continuations

Number Six

This is one fucked-up movie. It even has those cool special effects that make Kevin look like a dragon.

“Rawr! I’m Kevinsaurus!” he would say as he pranced and danced around.

From the depths of the abyss, also known as the basement downstairs, came a great rumbling and wheezing. Kevin peered down the scary stairs and to much glee, Kevin found a shiny metallic metal, one that was certainly of a shiny material. In fact, even a yellow monkey by the name of Furious George couldn’t stand for long near the stench coming from the mysterious metal. His mighty chin transformed into a transforming machine. It looked similar to his chin, but it had little peculiar specks of energon scattered about.

Kevin quickly realized that he was in dire need of an item of great power. Perhaps a gun or swordchucks. Either would do, but probably only one. He searched for some sort of swordchucks, but only found a pair socks. He was slightly surprised, but not entirely shocked. He took the socks and wrapped them in a barrel and threw the whole shindig down a hole where it was revealed to be nothing but a small rubber ball. Kevin took the ball and smashed it against his his head in a glue-filled ball, but nothing happened. He tried breathing on the metal part of his mp3 player so that he could shine it up real good. Unfortunately, he spit all of the good stuff on it. By doing so stuff happened.

Moving on, Kevin comes in first and starts doing this weird ritual that looks like some elephant stampede in the middle of November. Anyway, next to Kevin was Blue Thing that was strangely blue. Blue Thing started to frolic about, laughing at Kevin’s unblue body and inability to spell.

Blue Thing quickly began to converge with Green Thing in a most peculiar fashion. They formed a chromatic version of themselves to disarm Kevin’s mighty army of arminess. Once accomplished, Chromatic Thing would consume Kevin whole. Chromatic Thing splurged or whatever and drafted an army of colorful play-dough. There were multiple shapes and forms, but mostly giraffes.

A mighty war ensued. Many lives were sacrificed for the sake of misery and despair. Luckily, neither of the former were humiliated, only killed. Eventually, the war subsided, the smoke lifted, and the people of Gondor returned to their homes, thankful for the free food.

Chapter Seven

A Loss of Bananas And Other Fruits

This chapter begins with a house. This house grew and grew until it was the largest house ever. The height of the door was gargantuan, and the chimney was colossal. The windows, however, were at least the size of chocobos.

Inside were thousands of vampires, anxiously waiting for the vampire king to arrive. Fortunately, the chocobos went to chocobo heaven and the vampires got to suck each others blood. Unfortunately, diablerization is not lacking downsides; the vampires quickly turn into elephants and start stomping the crap out of vampire mice.

Thus the story must trudge onward. In the end, it really didn’t. I can sing, which is nice, really it is. Unfortunately for the pickles, the black olives would not retreat so easily. A war erupted and sauce spilled itself all over itself.

Anyway, this whole story was irrelevant to the fact that there is no plot. To deal with the elements lacking in this so-called “story,” we invented a type of strategy that allows us to become the center of awesomeness. It also destroys any uncoolness that ever existed, past or present. This being said, you’re dead. Mwa-ha-ha-ha-haaaa! That rhymed. In conclusion, I am the greatest thing the world has ever known, and I rule you. P.S. The End? Perhaps it is…perhaps it’s not…perhaps…perhaps…perhaps it’s the greatest piece of crap ever known to monkeys.

Anyhoo, on a not similar subject, this chapter should just about end. There, it’s finished, done with.

Chapter Seven

A Spikey Metallic Object

The spikey metallic object was originally created to destroy Kevinthing. The people of Chilton were outraged at the sight of his ugly, bulging chest. It was really gross. So they developed a special project called Project Manwich.

After a while they had gathered a lot of infant sacrifices to sacrifice to the infant sacrifice god, known as Sacrinfant. Once called upon, Sacrinfant sacrificed some worshipers so he could in turn sacrifice himself.

However, the procedure went horribly wrong when Kevin ate one. This caused an eruption of blood and everyone was suddenly dead. Kevin smirked a smirk that was the smirkiest thing he’d ever seen, and came to the realization that he was, in fact, made up of burnt pizza and many flesh-colored pieces of infant.

Surprisingly, this did not have any effect on this story. To say that this is a well-written story is to say that Kevin is not a lonely nobody that lives only to play his bass and his computer games. Both of which are untrue, by the basis that they…shut up already! But I can’t!

Curse my absurd use of the first person! It makes me want vomit all over Kevin and make a poopoo in my pants, but I have no idea why he did such a horrific, yet somewhat thing. I’m not really into that kinda thing. Anyhoo, now that we got that out of the way, the end.

Chapter Eight

Igloos and Icicles

This chapter is perhaps the best one yet. There once was a furious old squirrel. His name was Furious Mack, and he was furiously serious about nuts.

Whenever someone with nuts walked towards him he’d go all crazy and say, “Hey! Those nuts are not supposed to be taken so lightly! They are very sacred to the Order of Squirrel, you bastard.”

Once, Furious Mack tried an icicle. He then went to discover a lost civilization in the North, beyond the Pole. He saw many igloos, but mostly just snow.

Once he met this frozen fireball named Paradox. He was wearing a pair of icicles and snowshoes on his head. When asked, “Why are you existing?” he replied, “Because I want to.”

“Oh, I’m not sure who forgot to tell you who I am, but I don’t really care.” So Paradox decided to do something unimpressive: he walked a few feet. Furious Mack turned in a circle and walked into Paradox.

“Woah, look over there! It’s a man-bat face!”

“Eek! What the heck is that smell?” Paradox looked like a monkey and smelled like a fish. Weird.

So Furious Mack decided to bring Paradox’s body to the hospital for emergency surgery on his monkey body and his baboon heart. The surgery went well, except for a few mishaps, such as adding an extra baboon heart, but that only improved Furious Mack’s rage.

“Graaaah!!!” He would sometimes exclaim when he became outrageous. So Furious Mack craved more hearts. He went back in time to punch someone who insulted him earlier. He jumped into the face of the time machine and teleported to Atlantis in the bottom of the sea. When he drowned, he finally realized it was time to go. A great bright shark took him into his mouth and brought him to Ireland where Stitchy was looking for his long-lost guy.

In Ireland Furious Mack was doing something a bit out of proportion to his intelligence. He was an elephant with the IQ of -100. He was simply Kevin. This fact shocked many people, including Kevin.

Suddenly, his lack of prowess proved to be fatal; a falcon flew down and ripped open his chest thus ending the short-lived reign of Kevinthing. A new dawn has approached our time, and with it a new method of infant sacrifice has emerged.

Kevin tried to look cool but he died. In light of the former events, Furious Mack proceeded to open a bowl of petunias.